Here I go again. I was in a good mood all day yesterday. But today I’m crying and cranky. Why?!?! I don’t want to be! So what is the problem?
I might be realizing that a piece of news I received on Friday afternoon has hit me much harder than I would have expected. The music minister at our church is leaving. He is one of only two upper staff members that have been there since I started attending in 2011.
He was the person that got me involved in the church production of Fiddler on the Roof in 2014, which got me more involved in the church overall. He started teaching my kids guitar over zoom in June of 2020 when I was looking for something to keep them busy when the world shut down, even loaning them guitars until they knew they wanted their own. He went with us to help them pick out the right guitars for them. He’s gotten my kids involved in the youth choir and got them performing for service. He’s been an integral part of our church family’s for so long.
And while I’ve had my complaints about him, and so have my children, it makes me sad for him to be leaving. I’ve been surprised by the tears that come to my eyes when I think of it, even now as I’m typing.
I guess maybe the emotion of it, and how confused I am by my own reaction, is causing me to react poorly in other situations. Like Friday with my husband and his wishy-washy answers to what he wanted to do for his birthday. Or the innocent question he asked about what we (meaning me and the kids) would be having for lunch today.
About that… I had pulled some leftover chili out of the fridge and pulled down three bowls, thinking maybe I’d see if the kids wanted any. Then rejected the idea of asking because I decided they could deal with the consequences if they chose not to eat if not reminded, which I knew was likely. My husband came in as I decided against reminding the kids to eat and said “All three of you having chili for lunch?” I snapped “I don’t know what the f**k anyone else is having, because apparently I’m the only person in this house that ever gets hungry.” He was taken off guard and said “Whoa! Why are you so upset?” To which I yelled, “Because I’m stupid. Or crazy. Or something.”
What the heck is wrong with me?!?! Why do I keep getting into these moods? Why am I being so reactionary? And why do other people’s eating (or not eating) habits trigger me so? I think the fact that it makes no sense makes me even more irritated with myself, which causes even bigger reactions. My husband must think I’m completely insane. He’s probably not wrong.
Then I took my kids to the church for choir rehearsal only to have to turn around and go back because apparently practice had been canceled and Remind decided back in December that I didn’t need notifications anymore and I didn’t notice, so I had no clue a message had been sent this morning. I’ve been steaming about it since, even though it’s no one’s fault. I wasn’t the only one that didn’t get the message either. The director’s own son didn’t know it had been cancelled. 🙄
I don’t trust myself to be around my family. I hate myself and feel awful about how I’m treating them, but don’t know how to stop my reactions.
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