What a difference a few weeks makes! I just went back and read the last two entries I’d written and it’s amazing how different today is. I had therapy, but to be honest we’re grasping at straws for things to talk about. I haven’t cried in weeks and I’m feeling better able to handle what life is throwing at me. I thought maybe it was just because life was busy and keeping me distracted, but the last week has been quiet for the most part. I thought maybe it was because my health was improved, but that really hasn’t changed any either. So maybe, just maybe, it’s the medicine?
Let me back up. March 13-20 I had a horrible headache. It was one of the worst I’ve had in a very long time. I don’t think it was the Zoloft because it started the day I started the medication (before I took it). I was still bleeding because of the IUD and I sent a message to the gyn asking “at what point do we decide this isn’t working?” Her response was something to the effect of “You can have it removed at any time. I see you haven’t made your 6 week follow up.” I hadn’t made the follow up appointment because they didn’t mention it at the original appointment and making phone calls is HARD for me. Well, I tried to call and make the appointment only to be put on hold so long that the system hung up on me. I couldn’t make myself try again and then I went out of town. By some miracle I stopped bleeding the day we left and I thought maybe things were turning around. Unfortunately, I started again a few days after returning home.
March 21-27 was spent in IL for a gaming convention with my husband. As he put it, we were on “parallel vacations.” We spent some time together, but mostly he did his thing and I did mine. My friend Sadie and her husband had decided to attend, which is why I wanted to go. Sadie and I spent a part of every day together. It was fantastic. It’s amazing that a friendship that formed online can feel so natural even in person. It was great to get to talk, but it was also great to realize we could sit in silence too. I feel like we’re even closer now that we were before. And we decided to set up a weekly “paint date” over zoom so we can continue practicing what we learned in the classes we took as well as spend time chatting with each other.
In the midst of all of this, my writing partner and I continued to work on our story for the anthology. I know that I couldn’t have done it without her encouragement all along the way. Our calls to discuss the story evolved into discussing anxiety, medication, ADHD, and life in general. We started to find our groove working together and miraculously finished it this past Sunday (a couple of weeks later than intended, but better than not at all!). The anthology has already been listed on Amazon and other platforms for preorder and I had to create author pages on multiple sites. It’s quite surreal to think that I am about to be a published author! But even better than that, I feel like I might be ready to tackle revising the novel I wrote in 2020 and gave up on when I was completely crushed by my friend’s feedback. Oddly enough, it’s the same friend that I wrote this story with. And after working so closely with her through the entire process, I think I’m better able to accept her feedback as it was intended, rather than as a sign that I have no business trying to write. I started reading over my novel on Monday and with all this distance am able to recognize that it’s still very rough and needs polishing. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not worth that effort.
So with everything going so well, I’m finding myself at a loss for what to discuss at therapy. On the way to my appointment today I decided that I would ask about parenting strategies to help my kids cope with their anxiety. Ultimately, we came down to the idea that I need to define what my “job” is and what I need to let them face themselves. I find I’ve gotten into the habit of doing things for them that they need to learn to do for themselves. I want to “fix” things for them, when it would be better for them to learn to help themselves. As we talked, I started to realize that maybe I’m doing better already and I need to give myself a break when I fall into old habits.
The last few nights at home have been emotional ones for the kids. My son has been trying to trick his VR headset into letting him download his own songs into a game, but has been unsuccessful so far. This has led to big emotions from him. Somehow, my husband and I have been successful in showing empathy, but not letting his emotions trigger us. And last night my daughter was frustrated by homework that didn’t come easily to her as well as a group project in which she has done 99% of the work. Again, I was able to keep my emotions in check as she cried and yelled at me. I encouraged her to advocate for herself by emailing the teacher about her group to get advice on how to handle things. I’ll be curious to hear how things went today.
I am currently on a very low dose of Zoloft and it’s only been a little over 3 weeks. I can’t say for certain, but I’m thinking maybe it is at least helping me with emotional regulation. I still can’t bring myself to make a phone call, but at least my kids are getting a calmer me. The psychiatrist said that we still have a lot of room to go up on the dose if necessary, but we are keeping it the same for now. I see her again at the end of April. So far, I’m feeling like maybe this is the magic ingredient I’ve needed all along. It’s possible it isn’t the meds that are helping, but I’m inclined to think it is.
Leave a Reply