Another week has gone by. It’s funny how quickly one week blends into the next. Last week I felt a lot of general anxiety. This week has been more of the same, but I think we have possibly dug down to the root of it and what I need: Self Compassion.
We discussed the fact that I still haven’t made those phone calls that I need to make. She asked me what thoughts I was having that were making me avoid it. I truly didn’t know at first. But the more we talked, the more I realized that I felt like the people I need to call will think that I am not doing a very good job of being an adult. And even more than that, I feel like they would be right in thinking it.
She showed me the CBT triangle, which I don’t recall seeing before. The three corners of the triangle are “thoughts,” “feelings,” and “behaviors.” So essentially she says I’m having thoughts in the back of my mind that I don’t notice until they are feelings, which lead to my avoidance. So she’s encouraging me to try to catch those thoughts before they become feelings and replace them with positive thoughts. She asked me if I have any positive affirmations and I told her I was having a hard time coming up with any that I believe.
We talked about how much easier it is for me to have compassion for others than for myself. And that the current book for our SABC Book Club is Self Compassion by Kristin Neff. I’ve yet to start reading it, even though it’s been on my to read list for over a year and I even checked it out from the digital library without actually reading it. I’m thinking maybe it’s time to try again. Though I just checked and the digital library no longer has a copy. I mentioned the book to my therapist and she said it sounded like a good idea.
She recommended breaking down the phone calls (or other tasks I’m avoiding) into smaller steps, rather than thinking of them as all or nothing tasks. I really do need to make these appointments and while I keep using the excuse that our insurance is changing in a couple of weeks, I know that doesn’t mean I can’t make the appointments now for next month.
I’ve gotten into a habit of needing to be out of the house to get any work done and feeling restless when I’m home. After talking with my therapist today I think I’ve been using the need to get out of the house to be productive as an excuse to avoid the tasks that require being home. I don’t like making phone calls at all, but even less so in public. And the sewing I need to do obviously needs to be done at home. So the question is, how can I reframe my thinking so that I can get those tasks taken care of and stop avoiding them?
Here are the phone calls I need to make. Let’s break them down and figure out what thoughts are making me avoid them.
1. Gynecologist for IUD followup.
I was supposed to have my follow up after 6 weeks. It has been 10 weeks. At first I didn’t call because I was extremely upset with the whole situation and all I had in my brain were hateful things about that gynecologist. Then I tried to call and was put on hold for so long that the system hung up on me and I didn’t try again. Then I went out of town. And then I started bleeding again and I wanted to wait and see if it would stop, but it didn’t. And now I’m just not sure what I want to do about it. I’ve bled 9 of the last 10 weeks and I don’t know if I should give up and have her remove it (she was very rude when I sent a message asking at what point do we decide this isn’t the right solution, saying I could “remove it at any time”) or give it more time (because what if I’m wrong?). I guess I’m afraid to confront her with the havoc this has caused me. The depression and the anxiety. I just want the whole thing to go away.
2. Pediatrician for ADHD meds for my kids.
I didn’t call the pediatrician right after we had the kids evaluated because I knew we’d be going out of town and super busy in March. Then my husband started a new job and his new insurance will start the first of May, so I figured we should wait and get it on that deductible, but I didn’t have the new insurance information yet. Now I think we may have the right card (there’s been a bit of confusion), so I really should make the appointment(s). But I guess there’s a part of me that worries they’ll think I’m a bad mother for waiting two months from diagnosis to treatment. At least I got their 504 accommodations set up! Honestly, I think this one will be easier to take care of when I know for sure I have the correct information for insurance.
3. CG to cancel membership.
I think I’ve been avoiding this one because I should be exercising. But I really am not enjoying doing CG by myself in my garage anymore. I’ve much preferred walking and talking with my Turtle Sisters. I could potentially go back to in person CG, but I don’t particularly feel comfortable with that either. My wrist is supposedly healed and I was told I can go back to doing pushups and whatnot, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still painful and I don’t like asking for accommodations nor do I want to meet a new trainer and the only local one I know is my former best friend that I haven’t talked to in months. And I guess I’m afraid that when I call to cancel my membership they’re going to ask why and then try to convince me to stay.
Honestly, I know I’m overthinking everything. I find that I’m much more likely to make a phone call when I don’t give myself time to think. The longer I think about it, the more excuses I come up with for avoiding it. I guess it’s kind of like my workout philosophy. Get it done before I’m awake enough to come up with excuses. I need to start making phone calls as soon as I know I need to make them rather than putting them off until I come up with a reason not to.
I think I’m going to make a goal of getting at least one of these phone calls done by the end of this week. Preferably tomorrow morning before I go to work so that I have a distraction after the fact to keep me from ruminating on how it went. That means that I have until 9:30 to make the call. Here’s hoping I follow through!
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