Still Struggling

I mentioned having a lot of anxiety following the publication of the anthology. I’m still struggling. I think I’m mostly anxious that now that I’ve published something that means I should officially be an author, which equals writing. But I can’t seem to write. At least, not much.

I signed up for Story A Day May, but only made it through three days. I know I can pick it back up at any time, but even those three days weren’t complete stories. They were snippets. I want to be writing. I just feel completely dry on ideas.

Maybe I need to do that video course I signed up for back in October and never did. Perhaps it can get me writing again.

Today I had my followup appointment with the Psychiatrist to review how things are going with the Zoloft. We discussed the things that are causing my anxiety and how I’m working on them with my therapist. She also asked me about the bleeding from the IUD and asked me if I’d considered a hysterectomy (yes, I have, but no one wants to do one on me). She’s very abrupt and intimidating. The entire appointment lasted 10 minutes. We decided to up the dose a little bit. I hope it makes this antsy feeling go away. I’m tired of feeling like I’m waiting for a shoe to drop or that I should be doing something that I’m not.

It doesn’t help that on Saturday there was a tragedy in our community. The mall 4 miles from my home was the scene of a mass shooting. Eight innocent people died as a result of someone that thought they had the right to pull out an automatic weapon and open fire. My son’s best friend was there. He was not hurt, and thankfully didn’t see any of the dead or wounded, but he heard the gunfire and he heard the screaming and he had to hide in the back of a yogurt store until the police cleared the store and let him and his family walk out of the mall with their hands visible. I worry about him and the others that witnessed this awful atrocity. I worry about my son, who has such a kind heart and doesn’t know how to help his friend. I worry about a world that is so divided that there are people that think taking other people’s lives is the right thing to do. How am I supposed to manage my anxiety if the world is falling apart?