Therapy today. I have felt lately that I haven’t been getting a lot out of therapy and that it’s just another box I tick off each week. I have no idea going in what I will talk about and as I pull up random things, sometimes a nugget or two emerges. But for the most part, I’ve felt pretty stagnant in therapy. And assumed it was my fault. Or didn’t want to say it wasn’t working for me because surely it would work if I did something different. When my therapist would ask me “is this what you want to focus our time on today?” I felt a mixture of “I’m talking about it, aren’t I?” and “Am I supposed to say yes or no? What am I supposed to want to focus on?”
Well, in a round about way, that came up today.
I started out talking about how helpless I’m feeling about the mass shooting. About how to support both my children and their friend that was there. I told her that I’m struggling with feelings of guilt if I just “go on with my life” or don’t post anything on social media about how it has effected me. I feel like there’s some “right” way to be responding to all of this, and I’m not sure I’m doing it. She assured me that there are multiple ways to respond and none of them is “right.” Which I know, cognitively. But it’s still hard to not feel like I’m doing everything wrong.
We then moved to me feeling like I do everything wrong. That I want someone to tell me the right answer and how difficult it has been for me when she asks that dreaded “is this what you want us to focus on today?” I told her that I feel a lack of control and that I don’t know the “right” answer to that question. Eventually I told her that I feel like lately I haven’t really been getting a lot out of therapy (though I circled around it rather than actually saying it, because I didn’t want to make her mad at me). I could tell this came as a surprise to her. I told her that I felt like maybe I needed more structure or predictability to our sessions. We discussed the possibility of incorporating in some education like working through a workbook together or reading a book and discussing it in the sessions. But she also said that maybe it’s okay to practice not having structure or control over how things will go, since that is something I struggle with outside of therapy. Maybe it’s a good thing to not know. I told her that, while I did see her point about practicing being uncomfortable, the thought of adding in some education pieces was appealing. So we are both going to reflect this week and then look through some possibilities next week.
I told her I was feeling guilty for saying things weren’t working and she said that it was good for me to advocate for myself. I mentioned that next week I have to advocate for myself at the gynecologist and I’m dreading it. She said she was glad I’d gotten some practice in with her. But I still feel really uncomfortable about bringing it up.
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