Therapy day! Well, writing therapy, I mean. At least until my therapist comes back from maternity leave or I decide to find someone new.
I actually took my daughter to her first therapy appointment yesterday. She didn’t tell me anything about the session, but I think it ultimately went well. She didn’t seem to be reluctant to go back, so that’s positive. I am trying REALLY hard not to push for more information. She needs to feel safe going to therapy and me badgering her for details certainly wouldn’t do that. I just hope the therapy helps. On Monday, when I met the therapist, I told her about my daughter’s new routine of getting up early to exercise in the mornings and how she beat herself up when she didn’t get up. The therapist said that concerned her because she didn’t want it to turn into an eating disorder. I agree. I don’t mind her getting exercise, but I do have a problem with her feeling shame if she misses a day. This morning when I went to check on her at 5:30 I asked if she was going to get up and she said she was tired, so I said “Then sleep.” She did. And when she did get up she didn’t seem to be in a bad mood. I don’t know if the therapist talked to her about it or if she came to the conclusion on her own that missing a day here and there when you’re tired is really okay.
I understand her tendency to feel shame if she isn’t perfect. That’s me all over again. I’ve often said she’s my mini-me. Not just in how we look, but also our personalities. In some ways that can be good, but I wish I knew how to help her with the not so great parts. Like the anxiety and perfectionism.
However, I love that she is finding that theatre people are “her people.” She auditioned for the school musical Monday and Tuesday and came home so very happy. We had been talking last week about how I went through most of my life (and even now) feeling like I really didn’t fit anywhere. It wan’t until I got involved in theatre that I found “my people.” I didn’t mention that even within that group I was an outsider at times. I was in advanced/GT classes and most of them were not. I was very anti-smoking or drugs and several of them smoked or did pot. There were times that I would be excluded. But mostly I found my place. And I hope that she has found hers. Or at least her place for now. She can find a new place if/when she needs to. I am hopeful that being on the Animal Science track in high school will help her find more of her people.
Clearly I worry about her. I worry about my son too, of course. For completely different reasons that I can go into later. But I worry that I put more pressure on her than I mean to. If she feels like she has to be a certain way for me to love her. Maybe telling her she’s just like me is not helpful. Maybe she feels like she has to do everything “like me” to have a connection? Though I do encourage her and tell her how proud I am of her doing things that I couldn’t have done at her age. Though that may be a problem too. Pushing her to be “better” than me might be a lot of pressure on her. Ugh! I feel like I’m worrying in circles!
Something that I got out of therapy was how much my mom and dad unintentionally contributed to my feeling defective. And I guess I worry that I’m doing the same to my kids. I’m constantly second guessing myself and feel like I am getting everything wrong. It’s that perfectionism/control thing again. I feel like there’s a right and a wrong and I am constantly picking the wrong thing. I know that the reality is there is more than one right. And that all I can do is my best. But I want so badly to help my kids avoid all of the feelings of inadequacy that I’ve always felt. Yet, I seem to be perpetuating it instead. My son thinks we hate him or don’t want him to be who he is. My daughter thinks she has to hold herself to a high standard for us to continue to be proud of her.
Church has a bible study starting soon about letting go of control. Maybe it’s something I should consider joining. Or at least reading on my own. Most of the women in those studies that happen during the day are retirees. And I don’t particularly fit in. Of course, I don’t feel like I fit in with my Sunday School group, even though we’re all in the same life stage! I guess the problem is that I don’t fit anywhere. I don’t have my people anymore. I’m just drifting. I have one or two random friends that I talk to sporadically, but no one that I actually hang out with. Just like my daughter. See! She’s my mini-me!
I’m in a weird period in life where my kids are too old to set up playdates with other moms, but not old enough for me to have much of a social life away from them because all the other people that are in my life stage are running their kids around too. I feel disconnected. I don’t know how to find connection. Where does an introverted 46 year old mom of teens find connection? Is it even possible?
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