Is it really only Wednesday? This week has been a LOOOONG one. My kids are on Fall Break all week and with my husband’s current job we didn’t get to take a trip like we’d hoped. Instead, we’re home all week with “nothing” to do. Now, somehow a week of “nothing” has become extremely busy. Particularly for the chauffeur (me).
Saturday evening I went with a friend to see some stand up comedy, then watch my husband and his troupe perform improv as the opening to a professional troupe. The improv show was much better than the comedians, quite frankly. It was fun being out with a friend while also supporting my husband. But we didn’t get home until WAY past my bedtime (the show started at my bedtime!). We actually left the kids home by themselves, which was a first. Sure, they’ve been home by themselves during the day, but not at night. I told them they were allowed to stay up late as long as they were in bed by the time we got home. They succeeded!
Sunday we had church followed by going to a pumpkin patch with the Youth Group. I had volunteered to drive. By the time we got home, I was exhausted and fell asleep. I didn’t wake up until dinner time, but hadn’t made any dinner! We ended up going out to eat.
Monday I got up and went to Water Aerobics and thought we would do something together, but it seemed we all needed a quiet day, so we stayed home. However, Tuesday we checked out the new HEB that just opened, got donuts, and went to Michael’s for yarn. All before 11:30! I then dropped my son off at a park to meet friends and took my daughter to her therapy appointment.
Today I went to Water Aerobics, came home to change and get the kids, picked up my son’s friend, spent 1.5 hours at TopGolf, dropped the two boys off at the park, then took my daughter to a friend’s house to work on creating D&D characters. Now I’m sitting at Panera Bread waiting to hear from either of them that they need me to pick them up.
Every mom wants their kids to have friends they want to spend time with. I’ve worried a lot about my daughter because she hasn’t really had friends she wanted to spend time with outside of school. So when I dropped her off for D&D, I got a little choked up. I’ve dropped her off to work on school projects or for parties, but this feels different. It’s something she is choosing and I love it. I so hope she has a great time and builds these friendships. It’s a mixture of boys and girls, which I think is good. I don’t think she does well when the group is homogenous. She ends up feeling like an outsider either way. I can’t wait to hear how it went when I pick her up.
Tomorrow my son has asked to go to a movie with friends from church. Without parents. This is a first as well. They are seeing the Barbie movie, simply because it was the only movie they could agree on. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it, but I’m trying to remind myself that I want to encourage independence and this is a good step, considering his anxiety. I think he does better with facing his fears when I am not with him. It’s like I’m a crutch and he leans on me when he really could stand on his own.
Why is it that you to want your kids to learn to be independent, yet it’s so very difficult to let go? I want my daughter to find her tribe, but I also like having her be a home body. I want my son to branch out and get new friends, but the constant need to socialize and be with his friends drains me. It’s less than two years until they can get their driver’s licenses. Which is slightly terrifying, and yet feels a little freeing as well. I won’t have to drive them everywhere or arrange my schedule around theirs. But I’ll also miss our talks in the car when I have their undivided (as long as I take my son’s phone) attention.
I’ve been rather snippy with my son this week. To be fair, he’s been snippy with me as well. But I can’t entirely explain why. Part of it is that I feel like I’m bending over backwards to let him do the things he wants to do this week, but he doesn’t appreciate it at all. I rushed home from Water Aerobics so we could get his friend and go to TopGolf but he didn’t even practice his tuba while I was gone, despite it being the last thing I said as I left the house. Then at TopGolf he became bored and wanted to leave before our time was up, which annoyed me because he was the one that said he wanted to go in the first place. I understand that teenagers are selfish. It’s just difficult when it’s your kid. He was annoyed that I was only “mad” at him for not doing the things he is supposed to do before getting on screens when his sister didn’t do hers either. I told him that I wasn’t happy with her either, but she wasn’t talking back to me, which meant I didn’t feel compelled to fuss.
Why is there always one kid that pushes buttons harder than anyone else? I really don’t want to be constantly fussing. But he triggers me every time I turn around. Of course, he probably can say the same about me. Or anyone, really. He and his dad have an even more triggering relationship.
Learning about how my parents inadvertently contributed to the mental struggles I have had make me worry about how badly we are screwing our kids up. I want to break that cycle, but it is SOOOO hard. I feel like I fail every day. And it’s difficult to give myself grace. I understand that perfection isn’t possible, yet I expect it from myself anyway. I wish I knew how to stop.
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