Hidden Monster

I used to have a sweet, loving son. One that wanted hugs all the time, said “I love you” at least a million times a day, and actually liked to be around me. When other moms would tell me their sons were embarrassed to be seen with them, I felt lucky that my own son was not like that. I didn’t have to worry that I’d be ignored when friends were around or be asked to drop off down the block to make it seem as if I didn’t exist. My appearance as a volunteer at school was met with enthusiasm.

Not anymore. Now I seem to be parenting Frankenstein’s Monster. Not only has my son grown to a towering height, but most interactions are met with either grunts or attacks. It’s as if I have a completely different kid. Something happened when high school started. It may have come later than most of their peers, but Monkey is a full blown

And it is truly scary. Anything I say can be met with a scoff, an argument, a blow up, or silence. Gone are the days of snuggles and lengthy monologues about their day. Instead the door slams and I’m not welcome.

Many people warned of the struggle with hormonal teenage daughters, but I must say that the teenage son is so much harder. My daughter is moody, sure. But also recognizes that it is not warranted and apologizes once it is pointed out and sense returns.

The son? Oh, no. It’s everyone else that has the problem. And if you disagree, well that must be because you just don’t understand.

I’ve determined that I’m basically dealing with a narcissist. I’m praying it’s temporary, but for the time being I am trying to deal with the outbursts with this in mind. And the gaslighting! Everything is always someone else’s fault. Now, more than ever, I’m digging into my knowledge of Love and Logic to react as calmly as possible.

This morning as we got into the car, Squirrel was scrambling to get everything together so we could leave. As they got to the car, they mentioned grabbing their medicine. Which reminded me that Monkey needed to take some too.

I said “Want to run in and get your meds?”

Which was met with “No. Not really.”

So I said “Do you want to continue to have muffled ears or do you want to get them cleared up? Go get your meds.”

“Why did you ask if I don’t get a choice?!” between the screamed response and the slamming of the car door as they stomped into the house, it took a LOT of deep breaths to reign in my own temper. Back in the car, they didn’t let it go. “I’ve told you not to do that. You get mad at me when I keep doing things you don’t want.”

I bit my tongue and said nothing. I frequently say nothing in an attempt to not make things worse. Which generally makes things worse and I get yelled at for not answering. But it’s a no win situation and I know they’re just looking to fight.

We were not far from the house when I asked Squirrel if they had their student ID, which was met with a panicked “No!” I turned around to go back. Once we were on our way again, Squirrel asked “We’ll still be on time, right? Even though we’re leaving way later than usual?”

Monkey, who wasn’t even a part of the conversation, felt the need to snip at Squirrel “It’s not way later.”

Unfortunately, Squirrel rises to the bait and often will argue back. I’m constantly interjecting and pointing out that it’s not necessary for them to agree and that Monkey doesn’t get to dictate Squirrel’s feelings. It doesn’t stop it from happening time and time again.

I’m exhausted trying to navigate this teenage monster. After a silent drive to the school, I turned to Monkey, put an arm on their shoulder, looked them in the eye, and said “I love you.”

I’m choosing to interpret the eye roll and “Okay” as their version of “I love you too.” I will continue to work on being kind in the face of their constant wrath. If nothing else, it will really annoy them, which would be payback for the grief I get from them.