Overwhelm – Holiday Edition

It’s December. I don’t know about you, but December always brings its own set of anxieties and overwhelm. The weather is bonkers, the activities are rushed, the streets and stores are crowded, and the pressure is mounting. Add grief into the mix and it’s even more tough.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the “right” to be grieving. My family is thriving, my kids are happy (mostly), my husband has a good job (even if it is currently stressful), and my writing is coming along (I should finish the first draft soon). But this is also the first holiday season after losing my best friend. Memories of things our families have done over the years keep popping up and making me nostalgic.

And this is the first year that we have not done our Advent pockets. For the last 12 years I’ve worked hard to make the countdown to Christmas a magical experience for my kids. I wanted to create memories with them that didn’t necessarily equate Christmas with presents. I’ve loved this tradition, and the kids looked forward to it every year. I’ve always had to work around our busy schedules, but the last couple of years it has been challenging to not only come up with things that will fit in our day, but that the kids won’t grumble about doing.

This year I had considered changing it up a bit, incorporating the five vows made by those in the Methodist Church. To faithfully participate in its ministries by their prayers, their presence, their gifts, their service, and their witness. I thought that these things would possibly be easier to accomplish than some of my past attempts. However, by the time December first arrived, I hadn’t gotten anything together for the pockets. I decided to wait and see if the kids said anything. Last year, Squirrel asked about the pockets immediately. This year, no one has said anything at all. And we have yet to put up a single decoration.

I mentioned the fact that neither child has brought up the pockets to my husband a couple of days ago and he said, “To you.” Apparently, Squirrel had asked him if we were doing pockets this year back in November and he said we were not. Which explains why no one has asked.

Our Advent series at church this year is “The Weary World Rejoices.” As I sat in service, I became overwhelmed with grief over the loss of the magic with my kids. Monkey was in a snit of a mood and not wanting to participate in the city parade with band (even though it’s required) and made me out to be the bad guy because I wouldn’t let him skip. My kids are not full of the joy and anticipation of the holidays the way they used to be. It makes me sad. I love my big kids, but damn I miss their enthusiasm. I don’t feel like I have the Christmas spirit this year and I don’t know how to pull myself out of this funk. And I keep wishing I had Kim around to lament with. The other parents in my Sunday School class have expressed the same feelings, which is somewhat helpful, but doesn’t ease the grief of not having my best friends to commiserate with.

I had my visit with the psychologist that prescribes my Zoloft this morning. I told her I’ve been doing well since our last visit, but the last couple of days have been hard. She suggested more sunlight, so I’ve opened the blinds on my window. But I’m starting to feel like maybe my problem is that I have an idea in my head of what this season “should” look like. Maybe I need to accept that traditions can change. And as my kids get older, I need to find new ways of getting into the holiday spirit and feeding my own anticipation bucket. Maybe I need to make a countdown just for me. A little something I can do for myself to help me find joy this season. Things I have control over. I kind of like this idea. Let’s see what I can come up with:

I will have to return later to work on the rest, since I have to pick up a kid from school.

I’m not sure if these activities will put me in a Christmas mood, but it’s worth a shot. Honestly, I don’t know anyone right now that’s in the spirit. Not anyone close to me, anyway. I wonder why…