Sage continued her theme of Trust in this month’s Red Thread circle. I had accidentally scheduled a lunch for work that overlapped with the circle, but I really didn’t want to miss out. Usually, Red Thread ends up being a CSB page. So, I thought I’d be able to get the journal prompts, then work on the CSB page when I returned to the office. Wouldn’t you know, today was different.
Instead of journal prompts, we discussed our thoughts in the chat prior to putting anything on paper. Then we closed our eyes and put pen to paper while thinking “What am I called to trust today?”
When we opened our eyes, we were told to trust what we see and not try to change it if we didn’t understand. I immediately saw an hourglass on one side of my journal, and a gentle hug on the other.
Before we could move on to the next part of the time together, my alarm went off to tell me it was time to go to lunch. I quickly asked Sage if she could let me know what the next step would be so I could continue on my own.
She sent me a voice message explaining that the group spent time listening to the page and understanding what our intuition was trying to tell us. They shared their insights with one another. I really wish I’d been there because I always get so much out of hearing what others discover. But I sat down and started journaling what I thought my page was telling me. Here’s what I wrote:
I seem to view time as a limited commodity and when it runs out there is no more. I’ve seen this in my efforts to always be on time. As the time until an appointment gets closer, I feel more frantic and as if something terrible will happen when the clock strikes if I’m not where I am supposed to be. I do that with tasks too. As if, when I have something that breaks up my day, I can’t start on anything unless I think I have time to finish. That’s part of why my house is in CHAOS. Then I find myself doing nothing or playing games on my phone because “there’s no point in starting if I can’t finish.”
I tend to beat myself up about the anxiety that time produces in me. I try to tell myself that “it’s no big deal. No one else gets this worked up.” But it doesn’t change anything. Which just makes the anxiety worse. I’m the first to comfort my kids when they beat themselves up, but I can’t seem to offer myself that same compassion. I think this page is trying to tell me that there will be more time, if I just turn the hourglass over. No bombs will go off. And also, I need to give myself a hug of compassion. I can’t expect to change 48 years of habit by thinking it away. It will take, oddly enough, time. Meanwhile, I need to care enough about myself to trust that I’m good enough.
It’s pretty amazing how our minds can both lock us up and open our eyes. I just need to work on trusting that my intuition is right and that I really am good enough.
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