Sometimes, despite my best efforts, anxiety gets the upper hand and will stop me from doing something I really want to do. Every year at Adepticon, I sign up for things that sound like fun. Painting classes, game demos, etc.
I feel very much out of my depth in this crowd, but everyone has always been very welcoming and willing to let a newbie learn. This year I decided to skip the painting classes (I’ve taken all of the beginner classes at least once and don’t practice enough for any of it to stick). I also didn’t sign up for any demos or learn to play sessions (I may try to get in on some when I have free time, if there’s room).
This year, for the first time ever, I signed up for a Ticket to Ride tournament. I have the app and play against the computer frequently, so I figured why not! At least, that’s what I thought when I signed up back in January.
That’s the thing about anxiety. It doesn’t tend to rear its ugly head until the last minute. Anxiety started sometime yesterday. I considered skipping. It only cost $5 to enter. Who would care if I didn’t show up? I would probably be knocked out in the first round anyway. I could just sleep in.
At 7:30 I heard my husband’s “Oh, shit” from the bathroom. The shower overflowed and flooded the bathroom. With standing water seeping into the room’s carpet, we knew it would be best for us to get out and let maintenance take care of the shower. So I quickly dressed and packed up my things before heading over to the convention center.
I wandered over near the board game area, still trying to decide if I was going to play. That’s when it hit me. I’ve never actually played the physical game of Ticket to Ride. I was introduced to it on XBox sixteen years ago, then got the iPad app about seven years ago. I’ve only ever played electronically, and the majority of the playing I’ve done has been against a computer. What was I thinking?!
I was really close to leaving and not coming back. Then one of the staff asked me if he could help me find what I was looking for. I explained that I was signed up for the Ticket to Ride tournament and wanted to take a look. When I mentioned being likely to be out after the first round, he said everyone plays all rounds. I told him thanks and that I’d be back. I still had 45 minutes before the start.
Even after the conversation my anxiety was trying to convince me to bail. But then another anxiety slipped in and told me that now someone would know it was me that was skipping, since they had seen me. And that is what ultimately got me to go.
The first round I took first, by a pretty significant lead. The second round, I was with a couple of much more strategic players and came in third. Somehow, I remained at the top table (I sat in the same seat the whole time) for the third and final round, which meant I was still with those very strategic players. I came in third again. It would have been very different if the top player hadn’t ended the game before I could complete my longest train.
Once the scores were added up, the top four players were announced and selected their prizes. Once that was done, they randomly picked players for the rest of the prizes. I got a game called MonsDRAWsity that looks cute and fun.
Once everyone had dispersed, I asked the guy that ran the tournament what place I’d come in. I was fifth and only two points below fourth place. That last round completely killed the lead I’d had up to that point. But, this just goes to show that I shouldn’t presume that I am any less qualified to be here than the other nerds. I’m very glad that my anxiety did not win today. And that means that even if I didn’t win the tournament, I won the day!
This evening I’ve signed up to attend a “Gender Minority Get Together.” Gender minority simply means any gender that is in the minority here at this convention. There are significantly fewer females here, so I qualify. I’m not going to let anxiety take away this opportunity. I just proved that I’m worthy of being here, so Anxiety can shove it!
Well, that was a bust. I did go. The host even handed me a sticker. But didn’t actually say hi because they were already in a conversation. As was everyone else. I felt awkward and finally gave in and left.
On the one hand, I showed up. And in many situations, that’s the whole battle right there. But this time there was more to it. Leaning against a wall, staring at my phone and hoping someone would have pity on me and come talk was not the correct tactic.
I should have tried to talk to someone or just joined a group and listened. But I didn’t. I think part of that is because I (once again) felt like an imposter. Yes, the event said that cis women counted as gender minority, but I still felt out of place.
I tried to tell myself that I would use this time to write, but I’m not sure if I’m in a good enough head space. It might turn pretty dark and I don’t think this is the right place in the story for that mood shift. Not when the characters are finally starting to get along.
They say that you should write even when you don’t feel like it. But for some reason, I’m fighting a battle of resistance. Sage would say it’s because I’m scared of something and to identify what it is so that I can better attack. What am I scared of? That I’m falling more and more behind the timeline I’d set for myself? That I’m embarrassed to write in front of people for some reason that makes no sense?
I should have written while my husband painted this afternoon, but for some reason when he was in the room I felt bashful about writing. Which makes no sense. I was able to write this blog post. Why not my story? It’s not like he could see what I was typing. Nor did he care. Why do brains twist things around to scare you where there shouldn’t be anything to be scared of?
Tomorrow I don’t have anything scheduled. Here’s hoping I can get writing done.
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