Sleepless

My brain has been going since 3:30 this morning. I tried everything I could to distract myself, but it didn’t work. My workout at 5:30 did help for that hour, but otherwise I’ve been having a hard time keeping myself grounded and not trying to predict the future.

Yesterday we got the teacher letter for my kids. They did not get my friend for home room, which makes me sad. And anxious. I know that she would take good care of them and do everything she can to keep them safe. The teacher they did get is new, so I’m not familiar with her. Which feels weird, since I used to know everyone due to working there. Now I’m stuck in the same cluelessness all the other parents have going into a new year. There’s still a chance they will have my friend for ELA, but she said not to get their hopes up. They are still finalizing blocks.

This has me more anxious than I realized it would. There is one teacher in particular that I know thinks the pandemic is a big hoax and everyone should get back to normal. When I chose to leave, she told me it would all be over soon and I should come back. It freaks me out that there’s a chance my kids will be in her class. I’m trying my best not to let my kids know my feelings about her, but I really do worry that she will bully them about the fact that they will be wearing masks. She’ll do it in a “joking” way, but that will still hurt. I plan to tell my kids that if anyone (teacher or student) tries to make fun of them for wearing a mask to let me know. I absolutely will not tolerate that. I may end up being that teacher’s worst nightmare and now that I don’t work there (and it’s my kids last year at that school) I do not care who I upset in the process.

I know, I know. I need to stop thinking about what might happen. I cannot predict the future and everything will probably be just fine.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Matthew‬ ‭6:34‬ ‭NIV

This verse is one I’ve read many, many times. And I really do try. But can’t seem to help worrying. Also,

“Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?”

Matthew‬ ‭6:27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Worrying doesn’t change anything. Intellectually, I know that. So why can’t I stop? The fact that it’s so hard for me makes me feel like I’m a bad Christian. I must not have enough faith if I can’t trust that God’s got this. This thought just leads me to worry even more.

And as if worrying about my kids return to in person school wasn’t enough, tonight my husband and I are going out together for the first time since before the pandemic. We are having dinner (YIKES!) and seeing a show (more YIKES!!). I had actually completely blocked it from my thoughts and didn’t even mention it to my therapist yesterday because I’d forgotten. But then my husband talked about it at dinner last night and now I’m wondering why I said yes to this. I know it’s important for us to spend time together away from the kids, but I’m dreading being around that many complete strangers in an enclosed space for an extended period of time. I really hope I don’t end up having a panic attack.

Let me see what I can do to at least get through tonight…

What’s the worst that could happen? We could be seated next to people that are not wearing masks and have the virus. Also, I could have a panic attack and cut our night short and ruin my husband’s enjoyment of the evening.

Would that be so bad? We are vaccinated and will be wearing our masks, so if there are maskless people around us that happen to have the virus, we should be fine. Even if we bring it home to the kids, they are also vaccinated and should not get deathly ill. If I were to have a panic attack, my husband would be understanding and would be more worried about me than seeing the show. He has tickets for another night as well, so he could always go again if I feel the need to leave early.

What are the odds? I’m not sure of the statistical data, but hopefully the odds of sitting next to a maskless infected person are slim. Yes, the virus seems to be in a huge surge in this area, but that doesn’t guarantee that we will be exposed just because we go out in public.

How can I cope? I will be sure to talk to my husband about my concerns. I will ask that we eat on a patio and if I start to feel panicky, I will try the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique to ground myself in the present and pull myself out of trying to predict the future. If it gets really bad, I will ask my husband if we can leave. He knows this is a huge step for me and will not resent me for it. He can always return on another night to see the show.

Okay, I’m breathing a little easier. Not anxiety free, but better. We are going to the zoo today as a family, so hopefully that will help keep me distracted so that I don’t spend all day dwelling on it. I know I would work myself into a panic if I just sat at home thinking about it all day. Time to put it out of my mind.