Drowning

Thursday (therapy day) I was fine. My counselor even mentioned that I seemed to be having a good week. Though we did dig into some past trauma that used up quite a few tissues, none of them were immediate concerns. I talked to her about how my husband is grieving the loss of a friend via suicide and that (somehow) we balance each other out. When he’s having a hard time, I pick up the slack, and vice versa. I’d had a really good week and even the cancelling of plans on Wednesday didn’t bring me down.

But then today hit.

Earlier this week my Ninja Foodi pressure cooker and air fryer died. In the middle of my cooking dinner. I’ve never been more dependent on an appliance in my life. I didn’t realize how much NOT having it would throw me off. We’ve had it since Mother’s Day 2020. My husband got it for me as a gift. At the time I thought it was silly, since we already had an Insta Pot and our oven has a convect feature. Boy was I wrong. I use that thing nearly every day. I use it to heat up leftovers more often than I use the microwave. At least part of most dinners is cooked in it, either using the air crisp or the pressure cooker functions. I cleared a spot in my cabinets for it, but I never end up putting it away because I’d just be pulling it out again. To say I’ve become dependent on this thing is an understatement. I don’t even want to eat or cook right now. I’m hungry, but the thought of preheating the oven or eating unevenly heated microwaved food is unappealing. I realize I’m being dramatic, but I seriously skipped breakfast yesterday and today because it was just too much hassle. I didn’t cook last night and I am not looking forward to making dinner tonight.

My family all said “Just get another one” when I complained. But is harder than it sounds. For one thing, it’s not a cheap appliance. I don’t drop that kind of money if I can help it. I finally did go to Target today and stared at all of the different air fryer options for an hour before finally just getting the same thing we’d had (I thought). I got it home and took it out of the box only to find out that what I’d bought was smaller than our old one and there’s no way I can feed our family with half the capacity. So now I have to take it back and try again. Which pushed me over the edge and I’ve been crying for the last half hour.

I feel stupid. I’m crying because of a stupid appliance. What is wrong with me? I’m alone in my house (kids are at an all day drama workshop and hubby is playing D&D with friends) and feel like I’m drowning in emotions that make no sense. It’s an air fryer, for goodness sakes! Who cares?! Why is this bringing me to tears? I got along fine without it for years, but now I can’t even bring myself to cook at all? And what is so hard about choosing a replacement? Go to the store, buy an air fryer, and be done with it. But no. Even once I finally made a choice it was the wrong one. And now I have to go back to the store and stare at the wall of appliances again and pray I get it right this time.

I know, I know… I’m magnifying, catastrophizing, and overgeneralizing. I’ve got cognitive distortions coming out my ears. I know I am doing this, so why do I feel powerless to stop it? How do I reclaim my happy mood from yesterday?

If I really look at it, I’m sure there are other things going on behind my mood.

I’ve been having second thoughts about signing my kids up for this workshop they’re in today and when I dropped them off there were SO many maskless people there. That’s got my anxiety ramped up. I made sure they had the flip phone so they could call me if they wanted to leave but I didn’t say that was why, since I didn’t want to project my anxiety onto them.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Around 3 AM I woke up to use the bathroom and spent the next two hours tossing and turning. I couldn’t shut off my brain. My husband hadn’t come to bed because he was working on a paper that was due. I should have turned on my meditation app to help me get back to sleep, but instead I spent half the night worrying about the workshop and about next weekend (I accidentally double booked us and I was trying to figure out how to fix that situation).

I spend many days alone now that the kids are attending in-person school and I am only working one day a week. Or so I thought. But if I really look at my week, I’ve managed to schedule myself in such a way as to have people around at least part of every day. Mondays I hit up the grocery store. The last two weeks I’ve volunteered at the school on Tuesday. Wednesday has been my walk with friends day. Thursday is therapy and date-day. Friday I work. Weekends usually get filled with my kids. But today is one of my first actually alone days since I started feeling “better.” Have I been fooling myself? Am I really just masking what’s truly going on inside of me, just keeping myself distracted and the minute the distractions are gone I fall apart? How do I pick up the pieces and keep them together? How do I stop myself from drowning every time I’m left alone?