I’ve had a few people ask me when my book will be released and I have given vague answers because I haven’t picked a specific date, so yesterday in the coaching call I asked Sage how I should go about choosing one. Which became much more emotional than I expected.
It’s hard enough to think of putting my book out there for anyone to read. It’s a level of being seen that scares the heck outta me. But when she asked me about a book launch, it completely stopped me in my tracks.
Now, I haven’t experienced many book launches. When I contributed to the Slightly Sweetly, Slightly Creepy anthology, each of the authors spent time hosting on the Gothic Romance FB page we had set up. But if I recall, it didn’t really feel like anyone was there.
I’ve attended two of Sage’s book launches, which she did on Zoom. There were quite a few people attending and supporting her. But being Sage, she included some intentional creativity activities for the attendees to do as well as reading excerpts from the books.
Both of these events happened online. So of course that was what came to mind when she asked the question. But she pointed out that a book launch can look however I want it to. It can be an in-person party, a table at a library or bookstore, online, or just about anywhere and anything. She suggested I think about what I envision for my book launch and what I want to get out of it.
The question alone made my chest constrict and my throat close up. I immediately wanted to escape the conversation and hide in a corner. No matter what I thought of my mind went back to the question “what if no one shows up?” followed by “who would I even invite?”
My fear was in high gear. And Sage’s challenge to think about what I wanted, and to be sure to express that to others, rather than hoping they can read my mind, would be the best way to make it happen. I couldn’t handle the feels right then, so I did what I frequently do when I’m uncomfortable. I distracted myself with working on my book.
This next part is super hard to write. Because I know the person that I most want to be present, but I also know they won’t come. Not because they don’t love me, but because they have their own anxiety battle going on inside. And even though they don’t mean to send this message, my anxious brain says it’s because I don’t matter enough.
Side quest
One of the things I tried to teach my main character in my book was to stop mind reading and let others tell her what they are actually thinking. There are many lessons that my characters learn that I have yet to master. When I find myself connecting something from my real life to the characters’ lives within the pages, the dreaded “but” comes along, trying to tell me that it doesn’t apply for me. Which I know is not true.
I tend to hide from the truths I already know. I’m guessing my brain thinks it’s protecting me, but it certainly isn’t serving me. I know the way forward, but my body and brain resist it.
Today’s CSB Live with Sage was about Embodiment. She had us pick a body part that was asking for our attention. Mine was more of a body-area than a single part. From my chest to my jaw, my body has been trying to send me a message. And even though I kind of know what that message is, I typically ignore it. But today the CSB page told me to stop ignoring and BE AWARE. Which is not the same as beware.
There are so many things in this page that are speaking to me. Sure, the words are all very positive, but I felt like they were also part of what is weighing my shoulders down. I’ve put so much pressure on myself to grow, change, breakthrough, be strong, etc. that I have been ignoring the actual message my shoulders and jaw have been trying to send.
There’s a battle going on inside of me. The masks I wear every day in an attempt to appear strong are only hiding pain. But what may seem like trash, could be helping to fertilize something better. Instead of doubting, I want to be proud. With or without the approval of others.
There’s more, but it’s all swirling around in my brain and needs more processing time. I think the important thing is to not run from it. I need to remain aware that there is more to the message my body is telling me. I need to be sure to listen beyond the surface level.
Back to the original topic
This morning, I shared my fears about the launch with an online friend that also has social anxiety (it’s how we met). She reiterated what Sage had said about my book launch being open to anything that feels right to me. She described a scenario where an author and three of their friends sat on the bank of a pond watching frogs, then posted about it on IG. While not exactly something I would consider, it did bend my perception of what I should do and started me down a path of imagining how the book, rather than I, would want to be introduced.
Quite frankly, the main character would want to hide just as much as I do. But there’s a whole cast of characters that might not feel the same way. It started me thinking about places that I feel most comfortable.
I’ve spent quite a bit of time at The Comedy Arena the last few years because of my husband’s improv journey and gotten to know many of the performers and staff. Would it be possible to host something there? Perhaps read excerpts between improv games? I kind of like the idea. Perhaps I can talk to the owners about the possibility.
The other place I thought of was church. There’s a little table of books for sale in the atrium. They are mostly Bible studies, but there are a few children’s books. It made me wonder if I could ask the pastor about putting my book on the table. I’d be more than happy to have the proceeds go toward the church. My book does incorporate my faith quite a bit, addressing acceptance of the LGBTQ community as well as sermon messages and how worship songs can impact your heart.
I also had the thought that it might be fun to play some D&D, but I don’t know that it is really feasible. I may have written scenes of RPG, but I had lots of revisions along the way. I also feel like that might put people off from attending.
I’m going back to The Comedy Arena idea. Perhaps I can flesh this out a bit more after talking with the owners. I’ll still see about putting my book out on the book table at church, but as for a launch, I am liking the idea of doing it with some improv. And if I do that, I am pretty sure I’ll be less disappointed when certain people don’t show up.
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