After I’d made my tattoo appointment and before the day had arrived, I came across an article about the psychological and physical benefits of tattoos. This intrigued me, as I’d never considered that they might be anything more than permanent expressions of self.
I don’t have the exact article I read initially, but I’ve since searched for more information. (I’m a librarian. Research is my jam.) In this blog article from Reality Pathing, the author points out that tattoos can have “emotional, psychological, social, and even physical advantages.”
While the physical benefit of boosting immunity is intriguing, what really drew me was the psychological impact, given my current quest to overcome anxiety.
I knew that my tattoo would represent something deeply personal to me (my heart) and the growth journey I’ve been on (vines). As someone with an invisible disability, placing an image on the outside of my body helps me feel less invisible, if that makes sense. I’ve felt for so long that my heart defects meant that I, as a person, am somehow defective. Taking ownership of the uniqueness of my heart feels empowering.
The past few days I’ve noticed that I’ve been carrying myself differently. I’ve been walking with my head up and shoulders back, instead of pointed to the ground. I’m talking to more people, smiling more, and generally have felt more positive than I have in some time.
Last night I went to The Comedy Arena to watch my husband’s troupe perform and took the opportunity to show the tattoo off with many of the staff and regulars I know. It felt incredible. Certainly, part of that was the praise I received from several people about the design itself, but it was more than that. It opened up the conversation about the meaning behind the design and provided an opportunity to find out more about others as well.
The article also points out that “The decision-making involved in designing and placing a tattoo offers individuals control over their bodies—a significant benefit for those who have felt powerless due to illness or trauma.” This makes a lot of sense to me. I have so many marks (scars) on my body that I had no control over, and I know I’ll have more in the future. While I’m not at all ashamed of my scars, it is a constant reminder that I don’t have control over some parts of my health. However, I was in complete control over the tattoo. The design, the artist, and the timing were all up to me. My husband wanted to be there with me, but I needed to go alone. I didn’t want to feel even slightly tempted to think about what someone else would think. I wanted it to be all about me, something I’ve never been comfortable with.
Most of my life I have placed my worth in the hands of others. I’ve allowed their opinions (real or perceived) to dictate what I show to the world. I’ve witnessed my children finding their uniqueness and I am so proud of them. I realized that I couldn’t truly encourage them to be authentic if I am constantly masking myself.
Not everyone had supportive things to say about my tattoo. Which could have turned into self-doubt and probably would have in the past. Instead, I’ve been using it as proof that I’ve spent too much time hiding behind expectations rather than proudly proclaiming who I am.
Watch out world! This is only the beginning!
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