Trust

A theme has been coming up for me throughout the last month. The theme of Trust. Not of trusting others, but of trusting myself. That seems to be a big hurdle for me to overcome. I’m constantly seeking external validation. I trust the opinions and knowledge of others before I trust myself. I question myself constantly. Second guessing is second nature. This is one hundred percent a major influence on my anxiety.

I’ve said several times that when I signed up to work with Sage and The Empowered Project, I didn’t realize I was signing up for therapy. But that’s just what it’s been. Because 95 percent of this is mindset. My mind tries to tell me I can’t do it. That my ideas are trash. That my writing style is confusing. That my characters are not believable. That I should just give up.

Thankfully, I have Sage and the other ladies in TEP3 to encourage me to not give up. My brain is constantly trying to tell me to stop, but they tell me to keep going. I guess in that regard, trusting others more than myself is a plus!

Yesterday’s Intentional Creativity YouTube Live with Sage was about trusting yourself. I’m starting to wonder if Sage decides on her monthly themes based on coaching calls and specifically my personal mindset struggles. The last Red Thread workshop was about Truth, and I swear the card she pulled (middle image) was directed straight at me. Even she said so!

While we worked on evaluating our own trust in ourselves, I realized that mine is incredibly low. Granted, that’s not much of a surprise, but what stood out to me is that when she asked us to write an affirmation for ourselves, I found myself stuck. I wanted someone else to tell me what the “right” affirmation for me would be. And even once I stated one, I questioned it. I finally wrote it down anyway. “I choose to listen to myself.” That is not something I do naturally. I tend to want someone else to tell me what to think or do. I’m working on it, though. I’m trying to be more decisive when it comes to things like choosing dinner out.

Then yesterday after the YouTube live, I decided to pull Tarot cards for a Trust Fall spread (photo on the right). I thought it was appropriate, given the Trust theme. Basically, the cards (from left to right) represent me, wisdom I bring and where to place my trust, difficulties to overcome and lessons to prepare for, and where I’m headed.

Card 1: You – Judgement – spiritual awakening, transparency, inviting my soul to shine, unapologetically.
Card 2: Trust – Nine of Cups – universe is gifting you your desire, choosing joy, manifested dreams, gratitude, abundance.
Card 3: The Test – The Devil – release, breakthrough, liberation, realize you are giving your power away, feeling helpless, breaking chains.
Card 4: Illumination – The Chariot – victory, speed and action, harnessing and uniting opposing energies, success, travel, confidence, willpower, control. “I choose who I am becoming and run toward it with conviction and consistent movement.”

This hits so close. I have been moving towards authenticity for months now. Trying to dig myself out of the people-pleasing shadow person that just wants to make everyone else happy. Trying to figure out what makes ME happy. My kids just finished their freshman year of high school and will be sixteen in just a few days. I cannot continue to wrap my whole identity around them. I have to figure out who I am before they graduate. I don’t want to find myself being a shell of a person when they are no longer there to give me purpose.

One of the things that helps is knowing that there are others that are experiencing the same thing. There are others in TEP3 that have a hard time trusting themselves as well. I can’t even imagine where I’d be right now if I hadn’t signed up to work with Sage. I can guarantee that I wouldn’t be just a couple of months away from publishing my first book. But more than that, I wouldn’t be discovering who I am and who I want to be. I have been encouraging my kids to be their authentic selves. Now to lead them by example and be authentic myself.